God Fight

When I was in college I had an independent study project. I was the typically misdirected youth and decided to take a look at my "relationship" with God. But the truth of the matter - and the ultimate paper - was that I didn't have a relationship with God.

I know that I exist and I can't dispute that God exists, but I couldn't make a connection between the two, other than my existence. Further, I couldn't admit that I mattered enough to justify a personal relationship...So I studied the relationships others claimed to have with God - from C.S. Lewis to Anne Lamott. I also picked up my old bible I was given in 3rd grade, looked for references in Shakespeare, and examined common invocations that people use (or curses) to connect with God.

I called the project "God Fight." It wasn't angry or judgemental, it was mostly a collection of observations, claims and ultimately an expression of my personal struggle to know God.

Two people read the paper. I gave a draft to a good friend of mine - a Southern Baptist - with the hope that he would ask me questions and we could talk about the subject in a way I never feel I can openly discuss. He read it over a few nights and handed it back with one word: "Wow." It was hardly the dialogue I hoped to inspire, especially with the personal references included in the text.

The only other person who read the paper was my professor. She gave it back to me and an "A" appeared on my transcript. That was the only feedback I received. So 20+ pages and five months of research later, I was left with four letters in response to screams for understanding that no one else could hear.

I probably still have the document somewhere. I know it's archived on a floppy disk or stored away with other papers from college, but 12 years later, I'm still left without a confidant who I can touch and hold and see.

That brings me to this "God Podge" with a rattling keyboard, a bright screen, a cup of coffee and a break from my Sunday (when I should be in church) that includes my husband playing Wii to an audience of my two beautiful children and my dog who's begging to be let outside.